Extreme sadness

I got a call today. This morning. Heidi called to talk to Macy and then let me know that Ella's tumor is back. It's back and it's bigger than it began. I can't really imagine the feelings that the family is having. This is terrible news for them and likely means a really awful next few months. When I consider this situation, my heart hurts. I can't really breathe, and I think of how I would handle something like this happening to me. Then, I eventually come to the realization that something like this can't happen to me because I simply wouldn't make it. Here is the post from Ella's site on Friday. Get your kleenex.
This is not an entry I ever wanted to write, but as I sit here with tears streaming down my face and my heart broken I am absolutely devasted to tell you that the tumor that invaded our little Ella HOPEs head 9 months ago is back and not only is it back it is bigger then it was at diagnosis. We have no idea where to turn now or what to do. All I know is I lost my first little girl 9 1/2 years ago and now I am facing loosing my pooh bear, the little girl who brought so much HOPE to my life on January 12, 2001. The little girl who never would hurt a fly, who loves to be goofy and make people laugh, the little girl that I love more than I love myself.
I can't even begin to understand this. Please pray, pray for Ella, pray for me to be able to keep it together so she is not scared or worried about me. Pray for Caden who has no way of understanding the magnitude of what he may face. Pray for peace and for strength for John and I as we make some difficult decisions. We have made it this far because of all the love and support that we have received from all of you. I truly believe that she is a miracle!

Then, from the site, I did remember little Mariah from an earlier post. What a mistake it was to go to that site and read more about this tragedy...but, for obvious reasons, this just made me want to hug my little goyles! ...and that's never a bad thing.
...We just take our kids for granted that they will be here forever and you’ll have all the time in the world to play, color and just take them all in. I believed she would get better and that I’d have that time. I believed that until we saw the MRI in June and all the symptoms that followed weekly. I knew in my heart that we needed to spend the summer loving her and making her comfortable. Even though we went to Chicago, we chose to do a less harsh chemo so that she could still enjoy life. I hope she did. I hope that she didn’t pass thinking I was doing something horrible to her and robbing her of time with her sister and daddy. She told us by her actions that she didn’t like going to Chicago. I just thought it was Mariah being Mariah and that she would eventually love to take the trips with mommy. I really did think she hated it and I feel awful we made her go through that. That is one of the things I feel guilty about. The other is that I always treated her still like a 4 yr old. I never spoiled her. If she was sassy I would punish by sending her to her room or taking away a toy. I don’t know if that was right or not. I thought by not treating her any different she wouldn’t feel any different. She still acted like a 4 yr old…but looking back it was because she felt awful from all the drugs we were giving her. But how do you balance that with another child looking on thinking that we like her little sister better than her. Mariah always told me I yelled too much. I wish I could have that time back and do it over. I wish I wouldn’t have yelled so much. I wish I would have spent more time coloring or playing on the floor with her with her Barbie dolls or Polly Pockets. I focused so much on searching for a cure that I didn’t realize all she needed was me to play with her. I hope she knows how much I miss those times we did play together or snuggle in bed…I just wish I would have had more time to do it more often...
A later post mentioned that she already got a sign from her lost little girl. She said that she got up and made her tea --and while stirring in the sugar, the bubbles made a heart. But, not a perfect heart because Mariah's hearts were always a little "off".
Sorry to share such sad news, but I wanted everyone to know about Ella - last time I mentioned her, it was to share some great news. And, if that information has the same effect on everyone else reading this, we'll all be giving some extra hugs and coloring some extra pictures in the weeks ahead.